|
|
Odd People and Karma: As promised, a very delinquent [by about one year], view on how Odd People are drawn to Regular People - like me. One word: Karma. I don't know exactly what it was that I did in another life to have acquired the attractive aura that causes people of all different planes and spheres to be attracted to me. It doesn't matter where I am or what time of day it is, or even, what I am doing. Put me in an ordinary situation and I will be able to convey an extraordinary circumstance. The following are examples for your reading pleasure:
| Grocery
store: I am approached by people of all nationalities, ages, and financial
stature inquiring as to where items can be located in the store. It doesn't
matter that I do not wear a uniform, and that I look just like any other
person shopping for groceries. Inevitably, I will be asked any/all of the
following questions on a shopping excursion:
1) Odd person (OP): what is the difference between the 95% fat-free bologna and the regular bologna? Ro (ME): I don't know. The price, maybe? The fat-free costs more than the regular. OP: Well, which one is better? ME: I don't know which one is better. OP: Well, which tastes better? ME: Well, I figure if you're going to eat processed meat, you might as well eat the calories, too! OP: Thank you very much! Do you know where the olives are? ME: I think in aisle 4. OP: Are you sure? ME: I don't work here, sorry! |
2) After
I've made it through the gauntlet of curious shoppers wanting to know "where
I picked up my plant arrangement (in Floral) or "where did I get my baked
goods" (in Bakery), I proceed to the the checkout line. I calmly make sure
that I have my "super savings" grocery card, my ATM card and any coupons,
plus I make sure that I'm not in the 8 items or less, especially since I
have a full cart. I'll just stand there, minding my own business, perusing
the headlines of the tabloids, when all of a sudden I'm very aware of eyes
of a man ahead of me in line looking directly at me.
OP: Gee, those are really pretty flowers. ME: Thank you. OP: I used to buy her flowers all of the time, but she had to go leave me, just so she could find herself. ME: [looking down at my watch, wondering all the while if I have "TELL ME! I CARE!" stamped on my forehead.] Gee, that's too bad. You could always buy yourself flowers. OP: It's just not the same. Besides, there isn't anyone there to share them with. ME: [now flashing my wedding ring as I wipe the perspiration from my brow, desperately hoping he'll notice that "I'm taken", and he'll leave me alone.] Well, you have to please yourself first, then you'll find someone who could appreciate them with you. [me thinking, "G-ddammit! Why won't this line move any faster?!] OP: I don't know. I thought we were happy, but I guess we weren't. Maybe if she just told me what she wanted...... ME: [I'm only thinking that if I can't get the H*LL out of here, I'll pop this guy on the head with my flowers AND I think I know why "she" left him in the first place] OP: ....but you're right. You can't make anyone happy. They have to do it on their own. ME: Amen to that! OP: Those are really pretty flowers though... |
|
3) Home Depot: The REAL story. I get sent to the store usually in the middle of a "home improvement" project, because 1) we got the wrong thing in the first place, 2) we didn't get the thing we needed in the first place or, 3) we ran out of the right thing at the wrong time - like in the middle of a project. Inevitably, when I am making my way to the aisle I need to be in, people will walk up to ME and ask me what type of electrical gizmo should they get for some sort of electronical project they are working on, or where is the plumbing supply section, or what kind of plants do better in full sun or part shade. No, I do not have an orange apron that says, "ASK ME! I'M HERE TO HELP YOU!" However, on occasion, if I see a new employee looking lost, I'll tell him that the blue boxes are in the electrical section next to the electrical piping. |
4) Variety Stores: I had the grand task of shopping for kitchen supplies for work. First, I hate shopping. Second, I hate shopping for kitchen stuff unless it is for my own kitchen and, 3) I hate shopping for work on my own time. So, since I had to shop for knives [see "whiners" in a future column] my mindset was fairly set at my arrival to the store. Get in. Grab the knives. Get out. OP: Gee, those are nice shoes you are wearing. ME: [quite off guard] Oh. Thank you. OP: So, where would you buy shoes like that? ME: [Thinking, "okay, this guy must be a cross-dresser since we're the same size] Naturalizer Shoe Store. [Now, I'm focused on finding the particular knives the yahoo from work needed me to buy.] OP: So, those shoes look comfortable. Are they? ME: [Now rather annoyed] Yeeeeees. They're very comfortable. Thank you. [I've now walked over one aisle and am grateful that I've finally found the knives!] OP: [after following me to my new location, conveniently located by the knives and butcher blocks.] I'm sorry to bother you, but do those shoes hurt the bottom of your feet? ME: WHAT? OP: Do they wear well? ME: YES! OP: Would you mind if I felt the bottom of your shoe, just to see how the heel wears? ME: YOU DO KNOW I'M SHOPPING FOR KNIVES, DON'T YOU? [as I hold up my pending purchase, which whether the yahoo at work likes it or not, I'm not coming back to exchange it!] OP: Oh, sorry to bother you. See you later. ME: Yeah, right [ me thinking, "yeah, right."] |
|
5) Home Depot Revisited: I finally found the place that has big two gallon containers of "New Beginning" linoleum floor-stripper. I got so excited when I found it at Home Depot, that I had to buy two containers! While I'm at the checkout, I realize that I hadn't yet gotten out my ATM card, so I put both containers in on hand, then reached into my purse to dig the card out. The guy behind me had to give me a full glimpse into the "macho-male" psyche, after glimpsing me up and down in all of my Home Depot shopping glory. OP: OH MY G-D! ME: Excuse me? OP: Do you use steroids? ME: What? Excuse me? OP: You have got the BIGGEST arms I have ever seen on a woman. Do you use steroids? ME: No, I don't. Thank you for asking. OP: Are you sure? [like I had a lapse in memory or something] You really have got the BIGGEST arms I've ever seen on a woman. [So, now the people standing in lines on either side of us, the people waiting behind us AND the people who have just checked out have all turned, in silence, waiting for my reply. ME: I'm sure that I don't use steroids... but maybe YOU should! Then you could see those BIG muscles you admired so much in me! [muffled giggles all around] |
6) Gas Station: Just pumping my own gas, washing my own windows, checking my tires - like regular folks. OP: Excuse me. Can you help me? ME: What do you need? OP: I'm lost. Can you give me directions? ME: [thinking, "Oh I hate when I get lost! I hope I can help her!"] Sure, what are you looking for? OP: Oklahoma ME: Oklahoma what? [I'm thinking, I've lived in California for almost 13 years and I've never seen an Oklahoma Street, boulevard, avenue, parkway, court, nothing!] OP: Oklahoma. Like the state. I'm from Oklahoma! [and she was very proud!] ME: It's that way [I point East]. Just keep going that way [I point East], maybe you'll find it. OP: Thank you for your help! ME: [Thinking: " I hope that she clears the mountains before winter. Visions of the Donner Party flash through my head."] I offer you, the Reader, a challenge! Email me any situation or location and I'll see if I can give you a story of how I attract "them"! Yes, you can inquire as to Lounge Lizards and Elvis sitings... |
|
5) Today, 11/16/99: I called up Staples to see if the name sign I ordered 10/4/99 was in yet. It was my first moment in 4 weeks that I've had a chance to call. OP: Thank you for calling Staples, the largest office supply company in the Bay Area, this is Stacy, how may I help you? ME: Hi, Stacy. This is Ro from Analog Devices. I ordered a regular nameplate sign over a month ago. No one has called me. Is it ready? OP: Your name, again? ME: Ro from Analog Devices. Do you want the sales order number? OP: No. I don't need it. Can you hold for a sec? ME: Yes. I listen to a commercial about how great Staples is and how they can save me money, time and fulfill all of my office needs.... Just as I am beginning to lose my mind AND my temperance at the start of the 7th rendition of the commercial... OP: Oh, hi, ma'am? ME: Yes? OP: So, I can't find this order. Did I call you? ME: Nooooo, I called you! It shouldn't take six week to print one door sign, should it? OP: Was this a pen? ME: NO! IT WAS A DOOR SIGN! ONE DOOR SIGN! IT READ, "MIKE PEARCE". FIND IT? OP: Oh yeah, here it is. I didn't have the paperwork, so I didn't know who to call. So, do you want the sign? ME: Do you think I would call you if I didn't? [silence] ME: Hello? OP: Oh yeah, no. So are you coming in to pick it up? ME: Yes. OP: Do you know when? ME: When I get there. Thank you for your help. [click] |
